Actually Funny

Our official Launch is early September....

We are putting content up right now 1) because we like it and 2) we are ironing out the kinks in the site. So that is why there is not new shizz up daily! There will be though... oh there will be...

News from our good friend Patrick Keane

Small town coroner dies. Cause of death unknown.
 
Gary Jesperson of Minot, North Dakota died this afternoon of what appears to be natural causes. Exact cause of death remains uncertain because he is the town's coroner. Says sheriff Jim Earl Jesperson, (Gary's cousin), "We've thought about bringing in a coroner from a nearby town, but it could be hours before anyone gets here and we also don't want Gary to feel like we're trying to replace him so soon especially if he isn't in fact dead." Authorities say they'll wait "'til mornin' comes" before they bring an outside source in to confirm or deny that Gary is not breathing. At that time they will also begin looking for a new coroner. 

A little something from Chi-Town to wet 'ya whistle!

Cross-Eye on America: Loretta Lynn's Kitchen, Part Deux.

Honoring all the brave dogs who fought for the Confederacy

Iphone, therefore I blah blah blah.

The following are my set of questions that I was going to ask Steve Jobs at the unveiling of the new Iphone at the Worldwide Developers Conference being held yesterday in San Francisco. Shortly thereafter I realized I did not have the opportunity nor was I invited nor did I intend to be at the unveiling of the new Iphone at the Worldwide Developers Conference being held yesterday in San Francisco.

Nonetheless here are the questions:

Now just to confirm it is a phone correct?

Hey Coldblood, Monday mornings are a motherfucker right am I right?

Are all of the numbers on the keypad the same as the previous version or did you make some new numbers up for this go around?

Yes but can it pay my rent? Can I hump it?

Is it true your middle name is "I Don't Need No"?

Follow up question to the numbers keypad question: Are the numbers in the same order as well?

How often do you get together with other CEO's and say, "Man this BP CEO's a real dumb ass, am I right folks!"

Did you see the ending of LOST? That shit was crazy?

You ever consider an "app" called "snaps" and it just talks about how your momma be tripping? No not my mom your mom.

Is it true your middle name is "Fuck All Y'all Jobby" as in Steve "Fuck All Y'all Jobby" Jobs?

Follow up question to the follow up numbers keypad question as well as follow up question to LOST: Hey how come you just didn't you use the numbers from LOST on the keypad?

Your company's name is Apple right? You the boss right? Then answer me as to why ain't you made a phone in the form of an apple?

Is it true that the original name for the Ipad was the Iwontgiveafuck?

How come you didn't put out a hit on that one guy who was all like "Ooooh, look at me. I found the new Iphone early and I'm online with it wow look at me."?

What words of sympathy and condolence do you have for those new Iphone users who are coming home to an old cellphone that's either hung, shot, or shit itself to death due to its inevitable outdated-ness?

How long before Apple finally unveils the Iboobies?

If you're one of the great minds and innovators of modern times then how can Dr. Octagon be Halfsharkalligatorhalfman and not you?

I planned to get arrested on this last question (or maybe the Iboobies one, I'm not sure) and then as I was being dragged out of the building I was going to look directly at the news camera recording the whole event, throw security completely off of me, throw on my commemorative Prince 1999 purple sequin trench coat with matching glasses (the glasses are original), throw up the Wu Tang "W" and yell "Chi-city jukin' for life!" as I flew off in a jet pack.

Now don't you wish I would have been there.

Cross-Eye on America: Loretta Lynn's Kitchen, Hurricane Mills, Tennessee

Deep in the heart of Tennessee, country music legend Loretta Lynn runs a restaurant with an attached gift shop. If you ever need a Mammy salt-shaker, tell them Actually Funny sent you.

Cross-Eye on America: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

A statue of General George Washington and Seneca chief Guyasuta playing "Rock-Paper-Scissors." George is about to ask Guy, "What's the Indian word for 'personal space'? "

When is the right time to kick somebody in the nuts?

It is a rite of passage. Something which comes from a place, s special place, that comes alive before the discovery of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll, when an older kid on the playground whispers one magical world that changes the course of a male's life forever. And that word is -- NUTS. Once that word is uttered and explained, it opens a portal to the soul that can never be shut. If you are a female reading this and there is a guy around you, lean over to him and whisper "Nuts." and see what happens. He will immediately giggle and then try to talk about Nuts some more. It's what happens. Even a scientist who works exclusively with squirrels and their winter hoarding habits will laugh his Nuts off at the mention of the world Nuts.

Logically the next logical question is, when is the right time to kick somebody in the Nuts? Almost never but most of the time almost always is the correct answer. When a young man discovers Nuts, he has to kick other young boys in them, Watching them stop, drop and squeal. If you have never been kicked in the Nuts, do not tell anybody. Especially another man, young or old, because he will almost certainly give you a quick pop in the Nuts. Why? Because it's what needs to happen to keep the Earth on it's axis.

So, to recap: Nuts.

Robert Osborne Smooth-Talks the Classics at TCM

 

Turner Classic Movies host Robert Osborne is the silver-haired, silver-tongued hero to millions of people whose idea of a new movie is one that came out during the second half of the Great Depression. I actually met him once at the Friars Club in Manhattan. The Friars used to be glittery showbiz hangout where Milton Berle and Frank Sinatra traded zingers at the bar and compared penis sizes in the men’s room. Now it has the feel of a classy rec-room at an upscale senior center, where grandparents and their cardio specialists hobble in for the kind of food that they used to serve at the second-best country club in the suburban Baltimore.  

Robert (I hope he doesn’t mind me calling him by first name) was having dinner, and he looked as dapper chewing on a parker house roll as he does introducing a festival celebrating the movies of Wallace Beery. After finishing my light Friars club dinner of prime rib and chocolate profiterole, I screwed up my courage, walked over to his table and introduced myself to him as a fan. Robert graciously accepted my homage and then introduced me to his dinner companions, Dickie Moore and Jane Powell. 

Dickie Moore, despite that name, is not a porn star. He was a child actor and member of Our Gang, aka The Little Rascals, and is most famous for not meeting a horrible, premature death like most of his co-stars. Jane Powell is a 1950s-era MGM musical star, now married to Moore. I made obeisance to Mr. Moore and Ms Powell, who were very sweet and even gave me a peppermint.

Robert is a smooth and sophisticated throwback to an era when no one ever said anything bad about anyone else on the television, unless you were a suspected commie. His employer, Turner Classic Movies, shows many great films but the most fun is when Robert has to intro a film he clearly clearly dislikes. Robert clearly can't say, “Skip this dud, because you’re better off catching a nap before going out to cash your Social Security check.” He is the master of dancing lightly around the fact that he wouldn’t watch a certain movie if you paid him. Here are some of the gilded phrases the great and mighty Osborne is likely to use when the Turner Classic Movie is just a movie, not a classic.

• “This comedy, starring Sonny Tufts and Olivia De Havilland was shot during one of rainiest seasons ever in Hollywood, and everyone had to bring an umbrella to work.”

• “The film was shot on location in Palm Springs, California, which at the time was one of the fastest growing cities in Southern California, despite its intense heat during the summer.”

• “The cameramen, Billy Bitzer, worked with many great directors during his career, and he was known for taking excellent care of his camera equipment.”

• “This epic historical drama about the Slovenian Civil War features a stellar cast, and none of the charges against any of them were ever proven.”

• “This colorful crime story was made while Cary Grant was getting a divorce, and Grant always said that his lawyer was one of the best in Hollywood.

• “The producer wanted Robert Redford to star in the title role and apparently Redford wanted to until he read the script.”

• “Many great spy films were made in the 1960s. The spy film we’re about to see tonight was made in 1972.”

• "John Wayne always said that his favorite director was John Ford. The director of this film often drove a Ford.”

• “Sophia Loren is a very beautiful woman. I once asked her about this film, and when she answered, she looked very beautiful.”

• “Several writers worked on this movie, and all of them would go on to successful careers in other fields.”

• “Martin Scorsese is perhaps America’s greatest living film director, and he once owned a house near a theater where this was playing.”

• Director John Huston once called this a great film. His exact quote was, “This is a great film if you like boring crap.’”

• “Right now I understand that the QVC network is offering great prices on genuine his-and-hers Diamonique stud earrings.”

• “The film critic James Agee called this the best slapstick comedy that Eleanor Roosevelt ever made.”

 

My Two-Sentence Iron Man 2 Review